


London is for Lovers

by cottonballz_of_death



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Online Dating, Sherlock gets into flame wars, Summer Mystrade Exchange, general silliness, internet shenanigans, mystrade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-15
Updated: 2014-08-28
Packaged: 2018-02-13 07:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2143059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cottonballz_of_death/pseuds/cottonballz_of_death
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>With his nemeses defeated, and his brother settling into a life of domestic bliss, Mycroft decides to embark on a new adventure in the world of online dating. The British Government is looking for love. What could possibly go wrong?</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. SexyDI52

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ConsultingEcrivain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsultingEcrivain/gifts).



> If you want to see all of the images and formatting, this fic is best viewed in Chrome, which can be found [here](https://www.google.com/chrome/browser/). I've also added links to the images at the bottom of each chapter.
> 
> See end notes for photo credits. Thank you a 1,000 x's to the beta-goddess, Mafm who helped keep me sane while I was writing this thing and whose input helped make this a much better fic.

London is for Lovers.com

manbehindthebrolly

  


**Status:**

Looking for my goldfish.

  
**Last Online:** |  Today  
---|---  
**Gender:** |  Male  
**Preference:** |  Male  
**Age:** |  49  
**Build:** |  Slender  
**Hair Color:** |  Ginger  
**Eye Color:** |  Blue  
**Occupation:** |  Civil Servant  
**Marital Status:** |  Single  
**Children:** |  None  
**Looking For:** |  Serious Relationship  
**Interests:** |  Collecting rare Victoriana, board games, puzzles, fishing  
**Best Feature:** |  My acerbic wit  
**My Hidden Talent:** |  If I told you, it wouldn’t be hidden.  
  
**About Me**

I got bored, so I thought I would see if having a partner is as great as everyone says it is.

**Inbox**

Hello, **manbehindthebrolly,** you have 5 new messages today.

**From:** Wellhunghottie

**Subject:** sup sexy

**From:** lookinfrfun

**Subject:** Send me some pics

**From:** sexxxxxayBeast

**Subject:** u no wut thay say about gingerzzzz

**From:** shy_guy95

**Subject:** Hi, I like ur profile

**From:** SexyDI52

**Subject:** Greetings from a fellow fisherman

**Message:** Hi, I'm SexyDI52 (apologies for the username, it was chosen by committee--don't ask, you probably don't want to know). Anyway, I saw that we share an interest in fishing and I really like your profile, so I thought I would send you a message and see if we hit it off.

SexyDI52

  


**Status:**

Dipping my toe into the online dating game. Wondering how long it will take before I regret it.

  
**Last Online:** |  Today  
---|---  
**Gender:** |  Male  
**Preference:** |  Male or Female  
**Age:** |  52  
**Build:** |  Average  
**Hair Color:** |  Salt-and-pepper  
**Eye Color:** |  Brown  
**Occupation:** |  Detective Inspector  
**Marital Status:** |  Divorced  
**Children:** |  One adult daughter  
**Looking For:** |  Dating, Serious Relationship  
**Interests:** |  Fishing, hiking, football  
**Best Feature:** |  My smile  
**My Hidden Talent:** |  Don't have any. What you see is what you get  
  
**About Me:**

I'm a detective inspector for the Met. In my spare time, I enjoy outdoor activities. I underwent a divorce several years ago, but until recently my job has been so hectic that I haven't had much time for dating. Now that my daughter is grown up and things have slowed down a bit, I'm hoping to pursue new relationships again.

**Inbox**

Hello, **SexyDI52,** you have 81 new messages today.

**From:** Babewatch69

**Subject:** Heeeey Silver Fox

**From:** JonathanBixbyIII

**Subject:** Hello

**From:** hotsugarmama

**Subject:** ive ben a bad gurl

**From:** manbehindthebrolly

**Subject:** Re: Greetings from a fellow fisherman

**Message:** Don’t worry, I won’t hold your username against you. In any case, it’s refreshing to interact with someone who is capable of writing in complete sentences. I have to confess that I’m surprised that someone with a profile picture as attractive as yours would need to use a dating website to find a partner.

**Inbox**

Hello, **manbehindthebrolly,** you have 2 new messages today.

**From:** charlesfromaccounting

**Subject:** Please upload another pic. I would like to see your lovely face.

**From:** SexyDI52

**Subject:** Re: Re: Greetings from a fellow fisherman

**Message:** Thanks, but to be honest, I think making negative assumptions about people who use dating websites is a bit silly. Most of my friends are either coworkers or are already married and I’m too old for the pub scene, so as far as I’m concerned, this is the best way to meet people.

**Inbox**

Hello, **SexyDI52,** you have 122 new messages today.

**From:** manbehindthebrolly

**Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Greetings from a fellow fisherman

**Message:** Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. After all, I’m on here for similar reasons as you. Internet dating allows me to eliminate most of the inappropriate candidates before investing my time in a date. I have a demanding professional life that requires me to keep odd hours so I have to make the most of the time I have available. .

**Inbox**

Hello, **manbehindthebrolly,** you have 3 new messages today.

**From:** sexxxxxayBeast

**Subject:** gingerzzzzzzzzz r hot

**From:** SexyDI52

**Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Greetings from a fellow fisherman

**Message:** I feel you on the odd work hours. I work in homicide, so there’s no knowing when I might get called away. It can make having a life outside of work impossible sometimes. I don’t mean to be pushy, but I couldn’t help but notice that you are online right now. Would you open to using chat?

**manbehindthebrolly** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

Chat with manbehindthebrolly

**SexyDI52:** Hi, thanks for chatting with me

**manbehindthebrolly:** You're welcome.

**SexyDI52:** I forgot to ask you, what kind of fishing do you like to do? Angling? Fly fishing?

**manbehindthebrolly:** I don't actually fish.

**SexyDI52:** ?

**manbehindthebrolly:** It was a joke between me and my brother.

**SexyDI52:** So you’ve got a brother, then. How many siblings do you have?

**manbehindthebrolly:** I have an older brother and a younger brother. My older brother was...complicated. My younger brother has had a difficult time of it these last few years, but he seems to be turning his life around. What about you?

**SexyDI52:** I have a much-older half-brother and a younger sister. It looks like we are both middle children.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Indeed..

**SexyDI52:** Are you very close to any of your siblings? Rob, my half-brother and I barely ever knew each other, but my sister, Anne, and I were close until I got married. After that, we drifted apart.

**manbehindthebrolly:** My older brother and I had a falling out about twenty-five years ago. It made things very difficult because my younger brother saw him as a bit of a father figure. 

**SexyDI52:** What happened?

**manbehindthebrolly:** We had a professional conflict that spilled over into our personal lives. The situation has recently stabilized, but things are still tense between me and my younger brother. Our relationship has improved considerably of late, which is mostly due to his recently having become a father. Sorry to cut this off, but I’ve got to go. I have a conference call in a few minutes.

**SexyDI52:** Alright, talk to you later. It was nice to get to know you better, even if you don't fish.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Likewise.

**manbehindthebrolly has exited the chat.**

**Inbox**

Hello, **manbehindthebrolly,** you have 1 new message today.

**From:** Don’tcallmeShirley221

**Subject:** Hello, brother mine

**Message:** How goes the fishing expedition?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Images as shown in the fic:
> 
> [Mycroft's profile picture](http://i59.tinypic.com/dxzqzd.jpg)   
> [Greg's profile picture](http://i60.tinypic.com/1r3qfa.jpg)
> 
> Photo credits:
> 
> Greg Lestrade: [Baker Street Wikia](http://bakerstreet.wikia.com/wiki/File:Digl.jpg)
> 
> Mycroft Holmes: [Sherlockology](http://www.sherlockology.com/characters/mycroft-holmes)
> 
> Thank you for reading! If you have any questions, comments, general impressions, please don't hesitate to reach out. Updates will occur approximately every other day.
> 
> Mycroft's compliment to Greg about writing in complete sentences arose from a conversation I had with a friend who uses an online dating site. I hadn't yet read the article about how MG met his current partner. Now that I have, it looks like knowing how to use correct grammar and punctuation is considered to be a universally sexy trait. ;)


	2. Don'tcallmeShirley221

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again to my fabulous beta, Mafm. Credit for the photos are in the end notes.

Don'tcallmeShirley221

  


**Status:**

Bored. Bored. BORED!!!!!

  
**Last Online:** |  Today  
---|---  
**Gender:** |  Male  
**Preference:** |  Prefer not to say  
**Age:** |  39  
**Build:** |  Slender  
**Hair Color:** |  Dark Brown  
**Eye Color:** |  Mostly blue  
**Occupation:** |  Self-employed  
**Marital Status:** |  Married to my work among other things  
**Children:** |  One daughter  
**Looking For:** |  Clues  
**Interests:** |  Murder  
**Best Feature:** |  My intellect  
**My Hidden Talent:** |  Identifying smells, diaper changing, psychological manipulation, steady hands, bartitsu, acting, costume design, coat swirling, lock picking, dancing, composing music, blowing smoke rings, making babies stop crying, bee-keeping, getting rid of idiots, annoying my brother  
  
**About Me**

I’m probably not a serial killer.

**Inbox**

Hello, **Don'tcallmeShirley221,** you have 3 new messages today.

**From:** EddyJones1982

**Subject:** hey arsehole dont make a profile if ur not interested in dates

**From:** Stone_Cold_Killr

**Subject:** I think we might share a common interest

**From:** manbehindthebrolly

**Subject:** Hacking the mobile phone of a government official is a crime, you know.

**Don'tcallmeShirley221** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

**Don'tcallmeShirley221** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

Chat with Don'tcallmeShirley221

**manbehindthebrolly:** What are you doing here?

**Don'tcallmeShirley221:** Isn’t it obvious? Working on a case — it turned out to be just another dreary instance of infidelity. Imagine my glee when I saw your profile. You have no idea of the endless amusement your futile attempts at dating are going to provide me with. I probably won’t be bored for a whole month.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Lucky you. How’s the move going? 

**Don'tcallmeShirley221:** John and Mary are hauling a bunch of boxes down to the cottage this weekend, so I’ve got Willa all to myself. You should pop by and give her a hug.

**manbehindthebrolly:** You are inviting me over? Why?

**Don'tcallmeShirley221:** I could use a few hours away from the flat. I’ve got a nice juicy jewel heist in the works and I need to investigate the shop’s after-hours security.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Why are you messaging me? Mum and Dad would be delighted to watch her.

**Don'tcallmeShirley221:** I know, and yet Mary insisted that I ask you.

**manbehindthebrolly:** I’ll see what I can do. When do you need to go out?

**Don'tcallmeShirley221:** I’ll call you with the details. Good luck with the fishing.

**manbehindthebrolly has exited the chat.**

**SexyDI52** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

Chat with **SexyDI52**

**SexyDI52:** Hi, how are you?

**manbehindthebrolly:** I’m doing well. I’m babysitting.

**SexyDI52:** :) aw, how fun. Beats what I’m doing.

**manbehindthebrolly:** What are you doing?

**SexyDI52:** Supervising a stakeout. Usually, I only have to show up for the arrest, but this is a high profile case.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Oh? Should I be concerned?

**SexyDI52:** No, it’s not particularly dangerous, just politically sensitive. I can’t really talk about it. Sorry, one of my sergeants is signaling me. I have to go.

**SexyDI52 has exited the chat.**

**manbehindthebrolly** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

Chat with **manbehindthebrolly**

**manbehindthebrolly:** Do you ever feel like you’re being left behind?

**SexyDI52:** ?

**manbehindthebrolly:** Everyone and everything around me is changing. All of the things that gave me purpose suddenly don’t matter.

**SexyDI52:** Are you ok?

**manbehindthebrolly:** Sorry, drink has made me a bit maudlin. I’ve just realized that my brother has grown up and he doesn’t need me anymore. It’s strange, I’ve spent so much of my life trying to push him to live up to his potential, and then when he does, it’s like he’s a stranger. I’m so proud of him, but at the same time, he’s taken up a life that I can’t even begin to understand.

**SexyDI52:** I think that’s how it is with most of us. My daughter holds a job at a posh marketing firm. I ask her if she loves her work and she shrugs and says it pays the bills. I couldn’t imagine taking a job if I wasn’t passionate about it, but it doesn’t seem to bother her. I worry a lot about whether she’s fulfilled, but at the end of the day, I have to remind myself that it’s her life and her decision to make.

**manbehindthebrolly:** I know what it’s like to work at a job you hate. I never wanted to take up my current career, but circumstances forced me into it. At first it felt claustrophobic. It was like the walls were closing in, but over time I managed to squash the parts of myself that didn’t fit into the narrow role laid out for me. I’m sure that’s not the case for your daughter, though. Most people don’t love their jobs and they rub along just fine. Your situation is probably the exception rather than the rule. 

**SexyDI52:** You’re probably right. 

**manbehindthebrolly:** My head is swimming a bit. I should probably go to sleep now. Sorry for going on like that. Perhaps we can message again tomorrow.

**manbehindthebrolly has exited the chat.**

MaryMary_quite_contrary

  


**Status:**

Tired mum is tired.

  
**Last Online:** |  Today  
---|---  
**Gender:** |  Female  
**Preference:** |  Male or Female  
**Age:** |  41  
**Build:** |  Curvy  
**Hair Color:** |  Blonde  
**Eye Color:** |  Blue  
**Occupation:** |  Nurse  
**Marital Status:** |  Married  
**Children:** |  One daughter  
**Looking For:** |  Friendship  
**Interests:** |  Raising my daughter, solving crimes, playing referee for my two favorite drama queens  
**Best Feature:** |  My eyes  
**My Hidden Talent:** |  I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.  
  
**About Me**

Loving my family and living life one day at a time.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

Chat with **MaryMary_quite_contrary**

**manbehindthebrolly:** Tell me, does Sherlock have a death wish?

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** Hello, love

**manbehindthebrolly:** What are you doing here?

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** I just wanted to thank you for watching Willa the other day.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Don’t act like you didn’t orchestrate the whole thing.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** Sorry, I know you don’t like being manipulated, but I wanted to make sure you got some quality time with her before the move.

**manbehindthebrolly:** How are Sherlock and John doing?

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** John still has nightmares. Sherlock is…Sherlock. How are you? Sherlock told me that you looked like you haven’t been sleeping or eating very well.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Work has been taking up a lot of my time.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** No, it hasn’t. Look, I understand if you don’t want to talk to me, but you have to talk about it with someone.

**manbehindthebrolly has exited the chat.**

**MaryMary_quite_contrary** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

**Inbox**

Hello, **manbehindthebrolly,** you have 1 new message today.

**From:** MaryMary_quite_contrary

**Subject:** Ignore me if you want, but you need to talk to somebody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Images as shown in the fic:
> 
> [Sherlock's profile picture](http://i60.tinypic.com/fth7h0.jpg)   
> [Mary's profile picture](http://i58.tinypic.com/2v13nk9.jpg)
> 
> Photo credits:
> 
> Thank you to the very lovely and gracious [Mycroft is the queen of England,](mycroftisthequeenofengland.tumblr.com) who was kind enough to let me use her [screencap and edit of Sherlock set details](http://mycroftisthequeenofengland.tumblr.com/post/89274250052/sherlock-set-details) from Unlocking Sherlock for Sherlock's profile pic. The original image, which is on her tumblr is much nicer than what the photo in this story portrays. Unfortunately, my photo-editing software made the image grainy when I condensed it down to fit on the page. To get the proper effect, I highly recommend you check out the originals in their full glory.
> 
> Mary's profile pic is an edit I did of a screenshot I found on [screencapped.net](http://screencapped.net/tv/sherlock/thumbnails.php?album=7).
> 
> Thank you for the comments and kudos. I treasure each and every one of them. If you have any comments or questions, I'm always happy to hear them.


	3. jimmorifarty_69

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Mafm, beta-extraordinaire! Photo credits are in the endnotes.

**SexyDI52** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

Chat with **manbehindthebrolly**

**SexyDI52:** hullo mysterious fiend w/o a mace

**manbehindthebrolly:** I’m a fiend am I?

**SexyDI52:** sorry, im a bit durk

**manbehindthebrolly:** I merit a drunk text? I’m so flattered.

**SexyDI52:** u remind me of one of my fiends, not rly a fried, but close enoug. hes rly smart lik u

**manbehindthebrolly:** How nice for you.

**SexyDI52:** i used to fancy him. he had eyes lik razrs theyd jus slice u open and he wor thees posh suits that hugd his arse. i havnt seen him in ags its prob fr the best he was was waayy too god fr me, but soemties i miss him 

**manbehindthebrolly:** I think I’m going to let you get back to drinking now. Have a nice evening. Please try not to die of alcohol poisoning.

**manbehindthebrolly has exited the chat.**

**Inbox**

Hello, **manbehindthebrolly,** you have 1 new message today.

**From:** SexyDI52

**Subject:** Sorry for being an arsehole last night

**Message:** I am deeply sorry for sending you those inappropriate messages last night. I understand if you want to have nothing more to do with me, but I would still like to get to know you better. I’ll be online at 8. Send me a chat invitation if you are still interested.

**manbehindthebrolly** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

Chat with **SexyDI52**

**SexyDI52:** I just wanted to say I’m sorry again for sending you those messages.

**manbehindthebrolly:** It’s quite alright. I know you weren’t trying to be rude and it’s not like I haven’t had my own bouts of drunken silliness on here.

**SexyDI52:** True, but your drunken silliness was a lot more eloquent than mine.

**manbehindthebrolly:** I only signed off because I worried that you would say something you would later regret.

**SexyDI52:** That is very merciful of you. Look, would you like to go to dinner with me sometime? Sunday is my day off.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Funny, no one’s ever accused me of being merciful before. I should be available any time after 8:00 pm.

**SexyDI52:** Dinner at 8:30, then? I’ll message you the address.

**manbehindthebrolly:** 8:30 works for me. I’ll see you then.

**manbehindthebrolly has exited the chat.**

John Watson’s Face Fungus

  


**Status:**

This dickhead-- **Don’tcallmeShirley221** \--has been tormenting my dear friend, **manbehindthebrolly** for his recent entry into online dating. Therefore, I implore you to punish him for his poor behavior by spamming his inbox with pictures of kittens. It is best if you include words like “murder” and “corpses” in the subject line so he’ll be more likely to open them. Also, you should all check out **manbehindthebrolly’s** profile. I’ve met him in person and I can assure you that he’s hot and rich and well worth your time.

  
**Last Online:** |  Today  
---|---  
**Gender:** |  Male  
**Preference:** |  Male or Female  
**Age:** |  44  
**Build:** |  Stocky  
**Hair Color:** |  Blonde  
**Eye Color:** |  Blue  
**Occupation:** |  Physician  
**Marital Status:** |  Married  
**Children:** |  One daughter  
**Looking For:** |  Revenge  
**Interests:** |  Solving murders, playing with my daughter, blogging  
**Best Feature:** |  My patience  
**My Hidden Talent:** |  Wrangling sociopaths  
  
**About Me**

My beard is so sexy, it needs its own dating profile. Unfortunately, some charming individual changed my profile name while I wasn’t looking and I haven’t yet figured out how to change it back. You can stop sniggering behind your monitors, Mary and Sherlock. Don’t think I’ll let you get away with this.

**Inbox**

Hello, **John Watson’s Face Fungus,** you have 293 new messages today.

**From:** sexxxxxayBeast

**Subject:** Hey bae, wanna play Dr...

**From:** bootylicious_77

**Subject:** ur beard maeks me tingly in my dingly

**From:** terkyjerkySK

**Subject:** Did you kill a mangy fox, shave off its fur, and glue it to your face? Because that’s what it looks like.

**From:** neck_beard

**Subject:** Shave that thing off. You’re giving the rest of us a bad name

**From:** Dont'tcallmeShirley221

**Subject:** Try not to be clever, you might strain something

**Message:** Haha, you are so funny. The bribe had better have been worth it.

**From:** manbehindthebrolly

**Subject:** Don’t bite the hand that feeds you

**Message:** I emailed you the hotel reservations. Don’t worry about Willa. I’ll watch her while you’re out of town. You three have a lovely weekend. God knows you should be spending more time with each other and less time on dating websites. I had over 1500 messages in my inbox this morning. I hope you’re satisfied.

**Sent Mail**

Messages recently sent by **Don'tcallmeShirley221.**

**To:** honeybee63

**Subject:** Re: Corpsicle

**Message:** I like the cleverness of your portmanteau of corpse and icicle, but unfortunately, the photo did not live up to the subject line. Instead of getting to see a nice exciting frozen body, I was stuck staring at boring kittens. I’ve attached my own photo of a “corpsicle” as a reference, in order to prevent any future mistakes.

**To:** luvmunkee

**Subject:** It’s spelled M-U-R-D-E-R

**Message:** You somehow managed to misspell every single word in your message. You didn’t even spell your username correctly. Also, there is no excuse for poorly photoshopped genitalia. If you must send me enlarged pictures of your penis, the least you could do is use a decent photo editing software.

**Inbox**

Hello, **manbehindthebrolly,** you have 1521 new messages today.

**From:** John Watson’s Face Fungus 

**Subject:** Re: Don't bite the hand that feeds you

**Message:** Stop dragging me into you and your brother’s rows and I won’t have to resort to underhanded tactics. Also, thank you for the favor and for watching Willa.

**From:** Dont'tcallmeShirley221

**Subject:** Revenge will be imminent

**Message:** You have forced me to deploy the nuclear option, brother mine.

jimmorifarty_69

  


**Status:**

I just wanna watch the world burn 

  
**Last Online:** |  Today  
---|---  
**Gender:** |  Female  
**Preference:** |  Female  
**Age:** |  35  
**Build:** |  Slender  
**Hair Color:** |  Dark Brown  
**Eye Color:** |  Blue  
**Occupation:** |  Goddess of Pain  
**Marital Status:** |  Single  
**Children:** |  None  
**Looking For:** |  Lulz  
**Interests:** |  Designer clothes, building replicas of medieval torture devices, generally inflicting mayhem and disaster wherever I go.  
**Best Feature:** |  All of them  
**My Hidden Talent:** |  I can always find the perfect outfit no matter the occasion.  
  
**About Me**

It’s good to be bad..

**jimmorifarty_69** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

Chat with **jimmorifarty_69**

**jimmorifarty_69:** hello old friend

**jimmorifarty_69:** how’s your brother doing these days? been on any interesting trips lately?

**manbehindthebrolly:** I know it’s not really you, Jim. I saw pieces of your brain splattered on the roof of St. Bart’s four years ago. Also, I’m tracking your IP address as we speak, arsehole.

**jimmorifarty_69:** didn’t you know? they have wifi in hell mutherfucka

**manbehindthebrolly:** Haha, very funny, Irene. Aren’t you supposed to be spying on an international drug cartel and not trolling the internet?

**jimmorifarty_69:** what? like i can’t do both?

**manbehindthebrolly:** Far be it from me to call your competence into question, however, last time I checked, I was paying you to spy on drug smugglers, not chat people up on a dating site.

**jimmorifarty_69:** ugh, fine you’re no fun. text me later 4 hot sex tips. if anyone needs to get laid, it’s you.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Thank you for your kind offer, now go do your fucking job.

**jimmorifarty_69:** seriously though, text me if you need sex tips. you’re totally hot and you have fab clothes so it’s only a matter of time before you get one of the pervs from this site into your bed..

**manbehindthebrolly:** Thank you, I guess, now get back to work.

**jimmorifarty_69 has exited the chat.**

**MaryMary_quite_contrary** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

Chat with **MaryMary_quite_contrary**

**John Watson’s Face Fungus:** Why are you messaging me on the computer? You’re in the next room.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** Sorry, love, I know it’s a bit weird, but I just put Willa down for a nap and I don’t want to wake her.

**John Watson’s Face Fungus:** Oh, we can’t have that. What’s Sherlock up to?

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** He’s in here on the computer. He’s responding to every one of those kitten spammers. At the moment, he’s correcting their grammar and critiquing the photos.

**John Watson’s Face Fungus:** Do you think we should stop him?

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** I’ve been reading over his shoulder and he hasn’t said anything too inflammatory yet. I figured I would leave him to it until Willa wakes up.

**John Watson’s Face Fungus:** Mycroft offered to watch her this weekend, just as I told you he would. He engineered the whole thing so he would have an excuse to spend some extra time with her before the move.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** Poor sod. He’s going to miss her—and Sherlock too, though he’d die before he admitted it. Do you think it was a bit too much, sending the Internet after him like you did?

**John Watson’s Face Fungus:** No, if I did what he wanted without any resistance, he’d probably just get suspicious. Why do you ask?

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** I’m just worried about him. He acts like he’s fine, but after this past year—after everything that happened—I ‘m afraid that he’s cracking.

**John Watson’s Face Fungus:** He’s called The Iceman for a reason. He’ll be fine.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** I just worry that we’re leaving too soon. Without Sherlock, he’ll be alone here.

**John Watson’s Face Fungus:** What do you expect me to do? He can’t leave London, and we can’t stay here.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** I know. We just need to make sure we don’t completely abandon him. I’m sure you can find some cases that will bring Sherlock back to the city from time to time.

**John Watson’s Face Fungus:** I’ll see what I can do.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** Sorry, love, I have to run. Sherlock just got into a flame war with someone called jimmorifarty_69.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary has exited the chat.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Images as they appear in the fic:
> 
> [John's profile picture](http://i60.tinypic.com/167qk9k.jpg)   
> [Irene's profile picture](http://i61.tinypic.com/99pfeh.jpg)
> 
> Photo Credits
> 
> John Watson's Profile: A screencap and edit of a video I found [here](http://video.xin.msn.com/watch/video/exclusive-featurette-martin-freeman-talks-richard-iii/7nps2kun)
> 
> Irene Adler's Profile: [Baker Street Wikia](http://bakerstreet.wikia.com/wiki/Irene_Adler_\(Pulver\))
> 
> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always welcome <3 Cottonballz


	4. huddersxxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Mafm, queen of the beta ;) Image credits are at the end.

huddersxxx

  


**Status:**

If you haven’t already, please check out my latest web tutorial: _The Art of Erotic Massage: An Illustrated Guide to Achieving Your Maximum Sexual Potential._  


  
**Last Online:** |  Today  
---|---  
**Gender:** |  Female  
**Preference:** |  Male   
**Age:** |  78  
**Build:** |  Curvy  
**Hair Color:** |  Brunette  
**Eye Color:** |  Brown  
**Occupation:** |  Retired  
**Marital Status:** |  Widowed  
**Children:** |  Two tenants who might as well be sons  
**Looking For:** |  Friendship, casual encounter, dating, serious relationship  
**Interests:** |  Knitting, erotic massage, pole dancing, hot yoga  
**Best Feature:** |  My caring nature  
**My Hidden Talent:** |  Taking care of my boys  
  
**About Me**

I’m a mature woman seeking to enjoy my retirement years.

Mollycat

  


**Status:**

Looking for a Mr. or Ms. Right who isn’t a homicidal psychopath.

  
**Last Online:** |  Today  
---|---  
**Gender:** |  Female  
**Preference:** |  Male or Female  
**Age:** |  36  
**Build:** |  Slender  
**Hair Color:** |  Brunette  
**Eye Color:** |  Brown  
**Occupation:** |  Pathologist  
**Marital Status:** |  Single  
**Children:** |  None  
**Looking For:** |  Serious relationship, marriage  
**Interests:** |  Cuddling my kitty, volunteering at the animal shelter, carving up dead bodies (legally, of course)  
**Best Feature:** |  My kind eyes  
**My Hidden Talent:** |  Seeing the truth in others’ hearts  
  
**About Me**

Just a girl trying to muddle my way through the mess that is my life. 

**Inbox**

Hello, **manbehindthebrolly,** you have 1337 new messages today.

**From:** Mollycat

**Subject:** Hi :)

**Message:** Hi, Mycroft, just thought I’d send you a message to say hello. Never thought I’d see you on here. Anyway, Sherlock sends his love. If you come across any cute boys that you don’t want, send them my way.  <3 Molly

**Sent Mail**

Messages recently sent by **manbehindthebrolly**

**To:** Don'tcallmeShirley221

**Subject:** Fw: Hi :)

**Message:** Really? This is your nuclear option? You’re slipping, brother mine. Also, is there anyone I know who does not use this site? This is starting to get ridiculous.

**SexyDI52** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

Chat with SexyDI52

**SexyDI52:** Hi, how are things going?

**manbehindthebrolly:** Pretty well. I’m babysitting this weekend, which is always nice. 

**SexyDI52:** How old is your charge?

**manbehindthebrolly:** She’s a year old and quite a handful, but she’s also the loveliest little thing I ever laid my eyes on. She reminds me of my little brother at that age.

**SexyDI52:** They are cute when they’re babies.

**manbehindthebrolly:** I have a bit of an odd question.

**SexyDI52:** ?

**manbehindthebrolly:** Have you ever thought about what you would be if you weren’t a police detective?

**SexyDI52:** No, not really. I knew from the time I was 16 that I wanted to work in law enforcement. 

**manbehindthebrolly:** I’ve been working in the same job for over twenty-five years. I hated it when I started. I still hate it, but it’s a role that’s come to define me. It’s sucked up every spare minute of my life since I was fresh out of university. Now I’ve suddenly found myself in a position where I can finally leave, but I have no idea what else I would do with myself if I did.

**SexyDI52:** Perhaps you could find something else that you’re passionate about and pursue that. What did you want to do before you took up your current job?

**manbehindthebrolly:** I don’t know. I started what I’m doing now before I was old enough to really know what I wanted. Now, I feel so warped and small, I don’t even know where to begin.

**SexyDI52:** That’s difficult. I don’t know what your situation is, but if you have the resources, you could at least quit the job that’s making you unhappy and figure things out from there. You don’t have to know everything right at this moment.

**manbehindthebrolly:** How did you get to be so wise?

**SexyDI52:** Trial and error?

**manbehindthebrolly:** Thank you for talking me off a ledge yet again. I can’t imagine what you must think of me. Anyway, I’m looking forward to our date on Sunday.

**SexyDI52:** Me too. And you’ve nothing to be embarrassed about. Sometimes it’s good to have a person to talk to.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Thank you. I have to go. My niece just woke up. Thanks again for the advice. It’s nice to have someone who can help me keep my head on straight.

**SexyDI52:** No worries. Go have fun with your niece.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Goodbye for now.

**SexyDI52:** Bye.

**manbehindthebrolly has exited the chat.**

**Inbox**

Hello, **manbehindthebrolly,** you have 1339 new messages today.

**From:** Don’tcallmeShirley

**Subject:** Re: Fw: Hi :)

**Message:** If you think that was my nuclear option, then you don’t know me at all, _brother mine._ Also, our train leaves at five, so if you could come over by three to watch Willa, that would be lovely.

**From:** huddersxxx

**Subject:** _The Art of Erotic Massage: An Illustrated Guide to Achieving Your Maximum Sexual Potential_

**manbehindthebrolly** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

Chat with **manbehindthebrolly**

**manbehindthebrolly:** It appears that I have underestimated your cunning once again.

**Don’tcallmeShirley:** and how is Mrs. Hudson?

**manbehindthebrolly:** Don’t act like you don’t know. Did you realize that document had _pictures?_ The worst of it is that the photos are incredibly sexy. I couldn’t stop looking at them, but now every time I see her, I’ll be forced to imagine Mrs. Hudson being caressed by several very muscular young men while covered in massage oil.

**Don’tcallmeShirley:** You poor dear.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Your crocodile tears are very convincing. Fine, I’m willing to call a truce, so long as you swear not give my username to anyone else

**Don’tcallmeShirley:** Not even to a certain SexyDI52?

**manbehindthebrolly:** Especially not to him. We are going on a date on Sunday in any case, so he’ll find out my true identity soon enough.

**Don’tcallmeShirley:** Ooh, I promise not to wait up.

**manbehindthebrolly:** You know him better than I. How do you think he’ll react when I reveal myself?

**Don’tcallmeShirley:** I’ve no idea, but he’s a straightforward bloke. If he’s not pleased he’ll tell you soon enough.

**manbehindthebrolly:** I can’t imagine he’ll be glad to find out that someone he’s known for years as a slightly menacing acquaintance has been messaging him anonymously over the Internet.

**Don’tcallmeShirley:** He’ll be angry for sure. The real question is whether or not he’ll forgive you. It wouldn’t be bad if he were anonymous too, but the fact that you knew who he was and didn’t reveal yourself, that will piss him off.

**manbehindthebrolly:** You are such a comfort P >

**Don’tcallmeShirley:**. You should know better than to come to me if that’s what you’re seeking

**manbehindthebrolly has exited the chat.**

**Inbox**

Hello, **SexyDI52,** you have 77 new messages today.

**From:** manbehindthebrolly

**Subject:** Dinner Cancellation

**Message:** Sorry, I’m going to have to cancel dinner for tonight. My brother’s train is late and I can’t leave my niece at home by herself.

**Sent Mail**

Messages recently sent by **SexyDI52**

**To:** manbehindthebrolly

**Subject:** Re: Dinner Cancellation

**Message:** No worries. Have fun with your niece.

**manbehindthebrolly** has sent you an invitation to chat.

  


Accept Decline

Chat with **manbehindthebrolly**

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** Why are you messaging me? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for your date? By the way, thanks for giving Willa her supper before we got home. She barely had time to give her dads a hug before she fell asleep.

**manbehindthebrolly:** I thought I’d make it easier for you to gloat about being right.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** Right about what?

**manbehindthebrolly:** I did need someone to talk to.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** Care to elaborate?

**manbehindthebrolly:** Unfortunately, that someone turned out to be Greg.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** Greg? Really? Well, what’s the problem?

**manbehindthebrolly:** I only have the nerve to talk to him when I’m behind a computer screen. He has no idea who I am. We were supposed to have a date tonight, but I just cancelled on him for no good reason.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** You’re right. That is a problem.

**manbehindthebrolly:** What should I do?

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** I’ll tell you what I told John when he was figuring things out with Sherlock. You already know what you have to do. Don’t let your fear of failure keep you from living the life you were meant to lead. Besides, even if it all crashes and burns around your ears, you know you’ll always have me and John and Willa—and even Sherlock if it comes to it.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Thank you.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** No problem. You know you can talk to me anytime, about anything.

**manbehindthebrolly:** I know. I know what you want, Mary, but I just can’t talk to you about last year. You’re too close to it all.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** I understand, Mycroft, probably more than you realize. Just be aware that you can come to me any time you like.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Thank you.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** Bye, love.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Good night.

**manbehindthebrolly has exited the chat.**

**Inbox**

Hello, **SexyDI52,** you have 78 new messages today.

**From:** manbehindthebrolly

**Subject:** Re: Re: Dinner Cancellation

**Message:** My schedule just cleared up and I’ll be free for the rest of the evening. I’d be happy to take you to dinner if you are still available.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Images as they appear in the fic:
> 
> [Mrs. Hudson's profile picture](http://i60.tinypic.com/1z3vzb6.jpg)   
> [Molly's profile picture](http://i61.tinypic.com/28u6ziv.jpg)
> 
> Mrs. Hudson's profile image was made by me.
> 
> Molly's profile pic came from [Molly's blog](http://www.mollyhooper.co.uk/blog/02february). 
> 
> As always, thank you, dear readers for reading. I adore comments, so please don't hesitate to let me know what you think.


	5. manbehindthebrolly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Mafm, my wonderful beta. Photo credits are at the end.

**Sent Mail**

Messages recently sent by **SexyDI52**

**To:** manbehindthebrolly

**Subject:** Re: Dinner Cancellation

**Message:** Yes, though do you mind meeting for drinks instead? I already ate. The restaurant we were planning to go to has a bar if that works for you.

Liveblog of Greg Lestrade and Mycroft Holmes’ first date, brought to you by The Wig

**luvmunkee** has entered the chat.

**Don’tcallmeShirley221** has entered the chat

**jimmorifarty_69** has entered the chat

**The Wig:** Hello everyone and welcome to a liveblog of Mycroft and Greg’s first date. I’m sitting here at the bar of Rinaldo’s where the action is expected to go down. Will Greg punch Mycroft in the face when he reveals his true identity? Will they shag like rabbits? Hopefully, these questions and more will be answered by the end of tonight.

**Don’tcallmeShirley:** Please stop, Billy, you are talking about my brother. Irene, what in the _hell_ are you doing here? And why the fuck is luvmunkee in this chat? He can’t even spell.

**jimmorifarty_69:** mycroft is my boss. who do you think is going to suffer the most if this goes south?

**luvmunkee:** oi payed jus lik u guyz. beesides brollees r hott

**Don’tcallmeShirley221:** This is ridiculous. Billy, I demand you kick both of them out of the chat. 

**jimmorifarty_69:** fuck you, sherlock. i’m here for the smut.

**The Wig:** No can do, mate. They’ve already paid.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary** has entered the chat

**John Watson’s Face Fungus** has entered the chat

**huddersxxx** has entered the chat

**huddersxxx:** hello loveys, I didn’t know you were interested in my practical web tutorial on erotic massage. Don’t forget to turn on your webcams.

**John Watson’s Face Fungus:** Mrs. Hudson, this is a liveblog of Greg and Mycroft’s first date, not your erotic massage group. I think you must have clicked on the wrong link.

**huddersxxx:** Oops! Well, have fun, dear.

**John Watson’s Face Fungus:** You too.

**huddersxxx** has left the chat

**The Wig:** Okay, mates. Greg has entered the bar. He’s ordering a pint. He looks sexy, but casual in a tan jacket over a plaid button-down and jeans that cling like a second skin to that tight arse of his. God, you could bounce a quarter off it. I’ll try to snap quick photo.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** Dear God, he looks positively edible.

**jimmorifarty_69:** sigh, i know.

**John Watson’s Face Fungus:** _Mary_

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** I can’t help it, he’s so dreamy.

**The Wig:** really, John, you can’t blame the woman.

**Don’tcallmeShirley221:** Will all of you just shut up?!

**jimmorifarty_69:** uh, sherlock, you do realize we aren’t actually talking.

**Don’tcallmeShirley221:** You, especially, Irene.

**The Wig:** Mycroft is now entering the restaurant. He looks a bit lost and very nervous. Hooked around his wrist is his signature black umbrella. He is wearing one of his pinstriped three-piece suits with a fuchsia pocket square. He’s taking a bit of a fashion risk but carrying it off beautifully. He spots the bar and strides across the restaurant. Greg is talking to the bartender and has his back to him. Mycroft approaches and says something inaudible. Greg does not respond. Mycroft touches his shoulder. Greg whips around. He recognizes Mycroft. He smiles and reaches his hand out. He looks a bit confused, but pleased at the same time. Mycroft’s face, meanwhile has turned as red as a strawberry. He stares at the floor and says something inaudible to Greg. I’m going to try to get closer to see if I can capture some of the conversation with my voice to text function.

**VOICE TO TEXT FUNCTION ACTIVATED...**

PENDING VOICE ID...

VOICES IDENTIFIED...

**SexyDI52:** But I don’t understand. Why didn’t you tell me who you were? You saw my photo. You can’t say you didn’t know.

**manbehindthebrolly:** I was afraid. I worried that you wouldn’t be interested if you knew my true identity. I mean, I know what people think about me, that I have no heart, that I’ve got a stick shoved up my arse. You add my squashed potato nose and thinning hair to the equation and I’m hardly anyone’s idea of a good catch.

**SexyDI52:** Mycroft, God how could you think that? I even told you that I used to fancy you. You’re a genius. How did you not figure that out?

**manbehindthebrolly:** Oh! I assumed you were talking about Sherlock.

**SexyDI52:** Sherlock? Don’t get me wrong, I consider him to be a friend, but I’d never want to date him. How can you not see that I would value you? I always liked you, even after you threatened to have me shipped to a black site in Turkmenistan because Sherlock got stabbed on my watch.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Yeah, sorry about that, but, really, I did warn you to keep an eye on him.

**SexyDI52:** See, your protectiveness is so adorable.

**manbehindthebrolly:** Adorable?

**SexyDI52:** Alright, perhaps not adorable. Endearing might be a better word for it. The point is that I always liked you.

**manbehindthebrolly:** But aren’t you worried about me manipulating you or having you executed if things don’t work out?

**SexyDI52:** You didn’t have me killed that time I arrested you for letting Sherlock infiltrate that gang of ivory smugglers with no backup.

**manbehindthebrolly:** In hindsight, you were right about that one.

**SexyDI52:** In any case, I like you in person and I like you online. We’ve been struggling with some of the same things, what with Sherlock leaving the nest, so to speak, and my daughter building a life of her own. You may be flawed, but I don’t see why we couldn’t make a go of it. That doesn’t mean, however, that I’m not pissed as hell about you lying to me. You know how I hate it when people withhold information, but that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to give you a chance to make it up to me.

**VOICE TO TEXT FUNCTION DEACTIVATED.**

**The Wig:** Greg gives Mycroft a mischievous grin. Meanwhile, Mycroft looks at him as though he is the only person in the room. Greg takes his hand. GREG TAKES HIS HAND. He places his other hand on the back of Mycroft’s neck. They take a step closer. Greg tilts up his chin. Their lips are now bare inches apart. Mycroft’s breath quickens. Greg looks into his eyes with an expression of utmost tenderness. He shifts forward ever so slightly and presses his lips against Mycroft’s. THEY ARE KISSING. EVERYONE, MYCROFT HOLMES AND GREG LESTRADE ARE SNOGGING IN THE BAR AT RINALDO’S. I’m going to try to get a photo.

**The Wig:** ;;’kjpppppppfjkfgl

**The Wig:** You little bastards. You thought you could spy on us. Well, all of you can just bugger off. Also, Mycroft says he’s going to get the IP address of everyone involved in this fiasco and you can all expect retribution in the near future. In the meantime, enjoy a photo of this 

**jimmorifarty_69:** well, holy shit.

**MaryMary_quite_contrary:** It was nice knowing you guys. Who knew Mycroft was so…unmycroftian?

**Don’tcallmeShirley221:** You wouldn’t be so surprised if you knew him when he was younger. It was his job that turned him into a robot.

**John Watson’s Face Fungus:** You do realize that we are all probably going to die very soon and that we’ll have spent our last minutes alive typing messages to each other when three of us live in the SAME FUCKING HOUSE.

**Don’tcallmeShirley221:** Alright, grumpy guts, I’m logging off. I’m sure we can do something to make our last hours on Earth worthwhile.

**John Watson’s Face Fungus** has left the chat

**MaryMary_quite_contrary** has left the chat

**Don’tcallmeShirley221** has left the chat

**jimmorifarty_69:** ugh. why is life so unfair? it seems like everyone on this planet except for me gets to have hot sweaty fun.

**luvmunkee:** u git wut u giv. if u wer niser maebe u wudnt bee alnoe

**jimmorifarty_69:** luvmunkee, get off the fucking internet and go buy yourself a goddamn dictionary.

**jimmorifarty_69** has left the chat

**The Wig:** luvmunkee, are you still there? This is Mycroft speaking. Code word, asparagus spider.

**luvmunkee:** Affirmative. Asparagus spider confirmed.

**The Wig:** Good. Enact protocol 221C.

**luvmunkee:** 221C confirm.

**The Wig:** Affirmative. Repeat, enact protocol 221C.

**luvunkee:** Confirmed. Enacting protocol 221C. God help those poor sods at Baker Street.

**The Wig** has left the chat

**luvmunkee** has left the chat

**Inbox**

Hello, **manbehindthebrolly,** you have 1 new message today.

**From:** Don'tcallmeShirley221

**Subject:** ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

**Message:** There is a special place in Hell reserved for people like you. I mean, really, there is revenge and then there is pure evil. I’ll be in London next week for a case. Text if you want to do lunch. I think it’s past time we talked about what happened last year. I have a feeling there’s a lot you’re not telling me.

**Sent Mail**

Messages recently sent by **manbehindthebrolly**

**To:** Don'tcallmeShirley

**Subject:** Re: ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

**Message:** You’re right. It’s past time I told you the truth about our older brother. I’ll text you the restaurant details.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Images as they appear in the fic:
> 
> [Greg in the bar](http://i59.tinypic.com/fdap10.jpg)   
> [Blurry image](http://i61.tinypic.com/2mct1eu.jpg)   
> ["Greg's" middle finger](http://i62.tinypic.com/28j9o3r.jpg)
> 
> The picture of Greg in the bar and the blurry picture were edits of screencaps I found at [screencapped.net](http://screencapped.net/tv/sherlock/thumbnails.php?album=9)
> 
> The picture of the middle finger is a screenshot I took from the video [Martin Freeman is a sneaky little hobbit.](http://youtu.be/05fvbkwzEJo)
> 
> This is the end of London is for Lovers. Thank you everyone for reading. I love comments, so please don't hesitate to let me know what you think. I will most likely do a sequel at some point, but I'm not sure when I'll do it. Writing code, editing images, and writing the actual story all tend to be very time-consuming. If anyone out there knows some css and html wants to volunteer to beta my code on the next story in this series, please reach out to me on here, [tumblr](http://cottonballzofdeath.tumblr.com/), or [lj](http://cbzofdeath.livejournal.com/). Getting the code right tends to be the most difficult part of the process for me, so having someone help me troubleshoot would be a massive help.
> 
> At some point over the next few days I'll post the css and html code on my tumblr for anyone who is interested in doing layouts for AO3.  
> ETA: The code is now posted. You can find it on the [London is for Lovers](http://cottonballzofdeath.tumblr.com/londonisforlovers) link on my tumblr.
> 
> Thank you all once again for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. :)
> 
> <3 Cottonballz


End file.
